What do I live for?
by Kuroi-Yasha
Summary: Darkness...That is what consumed her soul. Death followed her, and so did dispair...A fic about Ayame's childhood.


**Kuroi-Yasha: Hello all you non-mentally disturbed people, its me Kuroi-Yasha, back with a new story. Well, actually is not so much new, I've had this idea in my head for the better part of a year, but I just now got around to writing it. Ah, for those of you concerned with my other stories, don't worry, I don't plan on abandoning any of them, its just taking a little longer to get everything together. Ah, well, this story is the life of Ayame. I love Ayame, and I am kinda disappointed that an episode on the past of Ayame was never released. That is, aside from the episode in which she was first introduced. If there has been, then this is my own version on Ayame's past. Well that's about it, I hope you enjoy it. Oh yes, this story will eventually tie in with my other story "Can't Go On..." and at the end, I shall even provide an alternate ending. Now enough talk, enjoy Ayame's history.**

**_What Do I Live For?_ **

**_Chapter 1: My First Fight..._ **

_The pain that shot through my body was unbearable. I could feel my arms and legs protesting as I struggled to my feet only to collapse again. My breath was coming in short gasps, and all I could do was whimper as I felt a very painful throb in the back of my skull. Two, maybe three of my ribs were bruised or cracked...if I was lucky. I looked up in time to catch the kick in the face...well, in the face. A soft crack came from my nose as a huge gush of blood flew from my nose. I began to choke on the cascade of blood that was forcing its way down my throat and mouth at the same time._

_"Get up Ayame, we have yet to even begin."_

_"I...I-I...I can't...m-m-my-y...b-b...ody..."_

_"It is all in your mind. Ignore the pain, do not let it hinder you."_

_"B-b-b...ut...i-i-i-it...hu..rt...ts..." It really did. I could see the ground spinning. How that worked out considering I was on the ground I never did figure out. But then again I was never very bright. I don't think I still am. Still, I digress._

_"Very well. It doesn't seem there's much we can do anymore."_

_I could hear the disappointment in my father's voice. It made me feel much worse than I already felt. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, all I was ever did was burden him._

_"Can you move?"_

_I shook my head, I had long ago given up struggling to get to my feet. He sighed, "Was I really that tough on you?" I shook my head, he wasn't that hard on me, I was just too weak. "No...I-I'm just...to weak...I failed you again..."_

_He shook his head,"Enough of that Ayame, you don't need to keep putting yourself down like that."_

_He smiled though as he picked me up. " You know, you really remind me of your mother." I looked at him in surprise. My father never talked about my mother. I was a very hard subject for him to talk about, what with me being the cause and all. "You look exactly like she did when she was your age." She did? Mom looked like I did. The maybe I would grow up to be as beautiful as she was. "You shouldn't worry too much about being strong strength comes with time, and you have plenty of years ahead of you. Your mother was a lot like you in more than just a physical aspect, she was also a scrawny little girl when I met her, but she had a fiery attitude that demanded nothing less than respect." I didn't know what had gotten into him, he never spoke of my mother, it was way too depressing for him, but now he was smiling as he told this part of his and my mother's history._

_"But she grew very strong, almost frightfully so. I had previously been promised to the daughter of a ruler to the east of here. I was in love with your mother, and she was in love with me. So come the day of the ceremony she came up to the woman and issued a challenge for me. It was frightful as to how serious these woman got. In the end however your mother triumphed and won my hand in marriage. Odd eh? Its usually the man that challenges the other male for the females hand. Made me feel kinda special actually." I let go a small chuckle, but regretted it immediately after a sharp pain shot through my body. He gave me another smile as he brushed my bangs out of my eyes, "Get some rest Ayame, you've earned it." I smiled as the darkness began filling my line of sight. Maybe he'd finally forgiven me for mother's death...But such a thing could never happen. Could it...?_

_3 Weeks Later_

_I let out a brutal shriek as I see th larger youkai's (1) claws impale my father's already battered and bloody body. "A-Aya...me...N-ni-nigeru..." (2)_

_My body however refused to acknowledge my mind's command as I stayed rooted in place, fear being the cause. "NOO! OUTO-SAN! (3)" I saw my father wince as he drew his blade and threw it at the youkai, which managed to stab the demon in the eye. The enraged and wounded demon released my father as it began to stupidly grope at its eye, trying to remove the blade that was compared to its own size no bigger than a toothpick...not that such a thing existed back then anyway. All the demon managed to do was drive it in deeper._

_My father staggered to his feet as the youkai continued to roar in agony. "A-Ayame...listen...t-to me...run as...as far...as yoou-u can." I shook my head as I helped my father stand. "I can't leave you, you're hurt." My father shrugged off my hands. "This is nothing...but a scratch..." _

_An angry roar sounded through the forest as the youkai began its second assault on us. Before I could react, my father swept me into his arms and began running at full speed. As he ran I could hear the horrible and sickening sounds of the trees being ripped straight out of the ground, or being broken into splinters. The creature was gaining on us fast, then, without warning my father switched directions right as we reached the end of a cliff. My father's agility was far greater than the youkai's, so as we continued I could hear the monster yell out in fear as it nearly stumbled over the edge. While it would have been better if it had fallen, I've learned to take what you can get._

_Finally we stopped on the end of another cliff overlooking a flowing river. "Outo-san, why are we...?" My father stopped me as he put his hands on my shoulders, "Ayame listen to me, that creature we are running from is extremely powerful and very dangerous. I don't want you to ever try to find this creature and seek revenge. Understood?" I nodded, but why would I need revenge? I was going to ask why he had told me this when the youkai gave a monstrous roar that sounded very close. "Ayame, you are the sole survivor of our clan, I want you to go to your grandfather's clan in the east and live with them." Sole survivor? Did he forget how to count? What about him?_

_I didn't even get to open my mouth to say otherwise when the youkai tore through the forest and charged at us. Drawing my blade I took a defensive pose along side my father. There was no doubt in my mind that I'd rather die than be left alone. "Live well Ayame..." I looked up at him as he gave me his wonderful smile, "I love you." I couldn't react, my body was in shock, I don't think I even remember feeling the kick to the chest he gave me that knocked me off the cliff and down towards the river. I could only look on in horror as I fell, the creature loomed over my father, its claws ready to strike. "Sayonara Ayame. Gomen. (4)" _

"**_OOOOUTO-SAAAAAAAAAN!"_**

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I woke up still screaming.

It had been years since I'd had the nightmare of my father's death, yet every time I had it, the more and more realistic it felt. It had been more than 60 years since my father's death. I was 75 years old human standards, but no more than about 12-13 youkai standards, then I'd have about wait about a hundred years more to become fifteen. Youkai standards were very odd when it came to age. I hated myself for my father's death, as in with mother's this had been my fault as well. If only I had listened to him and the other pack members and not gone to play in the woods, they'd all still be here...like I was.

But, for now, the sun was shinning, the birds were singing, the branch was breaking...wait...what?

I jumped to my feet immediately after I heard the branch creak. Not my brightest idea, but, it was all it took, a loud crack followed as the branch broke in right half. I would have gotten away safely had I not, in my haste, gotten my foot caught between smaller branches so all I managed to do when I jumped was trip myself. Graceful ain't I? The fall was...unpleasant to say the least, and it was definitely not the best way to start the morning. "Why the hell was I in a tree?" I cried out loud as I rubbed my aching bottom. I tried to think back to last night. Okay, first off I had woken up, taken a quick bath in the river, mastur...eh dried myself, hunted for some food, and then I took off in search of my one true love Koga. Oh, yes, along the way I had run into an insolent inu-hanyou (5) who was chasing after a ridiculously clothed woman. If that wasn't odd enough I soon saw a monk and a slayer follow suit riding a fire-neko (6). And people call me weird. Still, how or where I picked up the habit of sleeping in a tree even I don't know.

A sudden rustling of feathers disturbed my train of thoughts. My blood began to run cold as I heard the cawing followed by several shrill voices yelling/arguing about something. _'Oh shit...Birds of Paradise...but I thought Koga had killed them all in the Birds of Paradise all out attack on his clan. I'd better find cover fast.'_ As I dove behind a tree I hoped that the birds didn't notice me. Truth be told I didn't have many options. It was either run and hope that none of them caught me, or I could stay hidden and hope the same. I chose to remain hidden. As the birds drew nearer I could hear by the different screeches that there were at least five of them, two of them female. Fortunately for me they landed in the clearing no more than 20 feet ahead of me. All I could do was hope that the wind didn't shift and reveal my hiding place.

"Our main flock has been destroyed, and to make matters worse we also lost three shards of the Shikon no Tama (7) as well! This is unforgivable!" I smirked _'That's right you flea-ridden bastards, Koga destroyed your whole flock, your leader and took your precious shards of the Shikon.'_ The birds all squawked and cawed in agreement and anger. "But to make matters worse, we were defeated by nothing more than a mere hanyou." _'That's right nothing but a hanyou...wait what?'_ The birds let out what sounded extremely close to hisses of fury and loathing. This was a surprise to me as well, a hanyou had the power to destroy the leader of the Birds of Paradise? That didn't seem possible.

"Ah, but it wasn't just any hanyou. If the rumors were correct, they said it was an inu-hanyou that came from a powerful bloodline." One of the other birds let out a cry of indignation, "There is no such thing as a powerful hanyou! They are all worthless pieces of living shit! He should have been killed at birth like the rest of those embarrassments to the youkaic bloodline!" Many of the other's voiced their approval at th words of the bird. The first one to speak however was not done, "Yes, we are all aware of what hanyou's are and what they can and cannot do. But rumor has it that this hanyou is the youngest son of th former Inu-no-Taisho." The other birds ceased their arguing at those words. I however remained confused, who or what was an Inu-no-Taisho? And though I hated to admit it, I had to agree with the second bird youkai, hanyou's were nothing more than inferior creatures that were unfortunate enough to be born.

"If that indeed is the case...then we might have some trouble on our wings." Ah kami-sama (8) not only did he give them small brains, but also an incredibly bad sense of humor. As the birds began cackling at their retarded joke I couldn't hold back my question. "What in the seven hells are you bird-brains babbling about?" Well aren't I a real master of stealth? The birds were taken by surprise by my sudden appearance, as soon as the recovered from the shock however they attacked. "Ah carp..."

-------------------------End Chapter 1--------------------------------------

**Kuroi-Yasha: Wow, wasn't that fun? I know, your all like, this isn't Ayame at all, she's all emo and shit. No she's Ayame all right, keep in mind I'm going to explain her whole history so this is just the beginning, there is still plenty of time for her to evolve into th character that we know. Well, thanks for reading, and I hope that you'll review. To all the people who know me, I seem to be typing in a really weird form. I do believe its called "Well behavior and proper etiquette" Something I haven't done in quite a while, I guess I'm hoping it'll give me more reviews. If not, I'll revert to normal...hell, I'll revert to normal anyway. Thank you people and _gut nacht_. **

**Translations:**

**(1):_ Youkai: _A Demon and or Devil.**

**(2): _"A-Aya...me...N-ni-nigeru...": _"R-ru-run for it...A-Aya...me..."**

**(3): _Outo-san: _Japanese for "Father"**

**(4):_ "Sayonara Ayame. Gomen": "_Good Bye Ayame. I'm Sorry."**

**(5): _Inu-hanyou: _A half breed dog demon.**

**(6):_ Neko:_ Japanese for "Cat".**

**(7):_ Shikon no Tama: I_s the "Jewel of Four Souls." The one that Inuyasha, Kagome, Sango and Miroku, along with Shippou and Kirara search for. **

**(8): Kami-sama: Is more or less God. Depending on what religion one in Japan worships, it might also mean one of the several gods.**


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